


Trembling

by mandoandyodito



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Im sorry i did this to myself too, Sad Ending, Tenderness, kinda wanna cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25657672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandoandyodito/pseuds/mandoandyodito
Summary: Javier fucked up, and now there's no way he can fix it.
Relationships: Javier Peña & Reader, Javier Peña/Reader, Javier Peña/You
Kudos: 29





	Trembling

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah just... go scream at me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mandoandyodito) if you want to, I would.

_"You’re the only thing that’s keeping me sane right now, baby”_

_You close your eyes and smile. You know that’s as close as an I love you that you’re getting right now, but coming from Javier Peña, it means the world and then some. You caress the bridge of his nose with your fingers, and he lets out a content sigh._

_Laying on his couch face to face is not a very comfortable position. If you move an inch he’ll fall off, but you know being close to each other is exactly what he needs right now._

_“Yeah well, who else is going to remind you that your body eventually needs food and sleep?” You say. “Tobacco is no breakfast” He chuckles at that, pulling you close to kiss you._

_You’re still smiling against his lips, and he just wraps his arms around your waist tightly._

_His slow breathing works as a lullaby, and you eventually fall asleep with him glued to you._

_“Eres todo en mi vida mi amor” He whispers, looking at your sleeping form with his eyes full of adoration and something else he’s still too scared to admit. He knows you can’t hear him, but hopes you know it._

_As he starts to drift off, you try to wrap your arms around his chest in your sleep but instead end up pushing him. He flaps his arms around searching for something to grab into but ends up falling with a dry sound into the floor, waking you up with a start. You sit up, alarmed. As your eyes scan through the room to see the source, you look down to see Javi kneading at his left hip, his back to you._

_“Javi?” you try to suppress your laughter “did I make you fall?”_

_He nods, letting himself fall into his back. He looks up to you and smiles at how bad you’re trying not to laugh._

_“So you make me fall and still make fun of me?” You cover your mouth but a short chuckle escapes your hands anyways. Both of you stay silent for a few moments and then burst out laughing. Tears are streaming down your face and Javi is laughing so hard he’s holding his belly with both hands, almost doubled up with it. The sight warms your heart, you never see him this relaxed anymore._

_This is your Javi, and you just pry for the drug war not to take him away from you._

The thought becomes ironic as you pick up the shirt you were wearing that day.

Turns out it did take him away, just not in the way you expected.

You keep throwing your clothes in the backpack. There wasn’t a lot left anyway, you were sure there even was going to be space left when you finished. Everything else was already in the suitcase, waiting for you next to the door.

Once you finish, you close the zipper and throw it over your shoulder. You get out of what you once refered to as your shared room in a rush and open the bathroom door with too much force, making it hit the wall with a bang.

You ignore it and start throwing your things in a little plastic bag. Your toothbrush, your toothpaste, the little mirror you kept in the corner, everything. Tears flood your eyes, clothing your vision and forcing you to stop for a moment, bowing over the sink with your hands gripping at its edges, the bag trapped between your palm and the porcelain.

You take a deep breath and bend down to rip a piece of toilet paper from the roll, dabbing at the corners of your eyes. You know if you let even one single tear fall, you will break down and Javi is going to find you still there. You straighten up and grip your things with force. As you step out of the bathroom, you hear someone fumbling with keys outside.

_Shit._

You panic, moving your head to search for an escape even though you know there isn’t one.

_Shit shit shit shit_

A key finally enters and opens the lock, and you’re frozen into place.

A shaken Javi greets you, wild eyes and all. You stare at each other, the lump in your throat getting bigger.

“I thought you weren’t going to come back until I had already left” you finally say, your voice breaking at the last word.

“I wasn’t”, he agrees, “but I can’t just let you go" 

You give him a sad laugh in return. 

"You already did, Javi.”

And it breaks your heart just a little bit more to say it out loud. To face the fact that you’re leaving only physically because you already left in soul long ago.

Javi takes a deep breath and covers his face with his hands, and you realize that he’s most likely restraining himself from letting tears fall.

 _Why now?_ you think. _Why not two months ago? Why not before it was too late?_

You know you won’t get an answer if you ask, and to be honest you’re too tired to. 

“My plane leaves in 3 hours” his shoulders tense and you feel proud at how strong your voice sounds, completely in contrast to how you feel inside. You take your backpack off your shoulders and lift your knee to hold it there as you open it and put away your toiletries. Once you close it again, you grip it as a lifeline and cautiously walk to the door, scared to what Javi might do. 

Not that he would hurt you. You know he would never lay a finger on you, but he doesn’t need to touch you to cause damage. He doesn’t even need to be harsh, just as his indifference was enough to push you away. 

Suddenly, he takes his hands off his face and shoots them to grip at your shoulders, his hands squeezing with an iron grip. His lips move, but no sounds come out. You stay there, paralyzed. Waiting.

He can feel your tense body under his palms, and he wonders how you got to that point. How he let things escalate to the grade of not showing how it felt when you said you were leaving, even though it shattered him inside. How he agreed to stay out of your way when you left. You were the only thing keeping his already broken pieces together, but without you, he knew he would crumble.

He sucks in a breath. “Y-you can’t leave me” he pleads, “I don’t know what I will do without you here to keep me alive. You’re my _whole life_ amor”

You sob, feeling your heart sink to the bottom of your stomach. _Not those words. Please, not those._

“You can’t just say that Javi!” you finally scream, pushing him away with your bag still in hand, “I was there for you! I made sure you got enough sleep, that you-that you ate! I kept your house clean, I waited up every night for you, worried sick! I was there when the job was getting to be t-too much!” you cover your mouth to prevent another sob from escaping, and close your eyes. 

_Breathe. Breathe._

He lets you go and you hear something falling to the ground, and as your eyelids open, you can see Javi down on his knees, his palms facing the ceiling. He looks wrecked, his eyes brimming with tears that he still refuses to let escape.

“You promised to never leave me,” he says, softly. “I was sure my place was with you”

“You forgot that you promised it too" 

He lets his head fall to his chest, his body looking as if he was a puppet whose strings were just cut off.

"You promised to be there for me, that you’d take care of me, protect me” your voice sounds broken, “You stole my heart, and I trusted you to take care of it. I made mistakes too, I accept it. But you threw everything away like it was nothing”

He stays silent, and you decide this is your last opportunity to let everything out before you leave.

“Every day you came back a little more broken, a little sadder. And each time I tried to get close and fix you, help you, you pushed me away” tears start running down your face and you wipe them away immediately “I would talk to you and all I would get back was silence. It broke me, Javi. Your indifference hurt more than anything else”

“But I love you”, he looks up. 

You gasp. He had never said those words to you, even if he tried to show it in other ways. “My love for you is unique,” he says. You give him a sad smile. _It was too late now._

“But it’s neither your only love nor your most significant one”

He tears up and opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. In the end, he just nods, agreeing silently. He moves aside from the door, letting his tears finally fall.

With trembling hands and your heart going a mile per hour despite being broken to pieces, you grab your suitcase’s handle, open the door, and walk away from his life. As you walk through the corridor, you send out another prayer, for somebody to keep Javi safe now that you won’t be there to.

Something inside him breaks when he hears the door close, and he screams. He screams in pain, in sorrow. 

His life has no purpose now.

_Too late Javi. You said it too late._

> _Er_ es todo en mi vida mi amor: you’re everything in my life my love

> Amor: Love/My love

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me.


End file.
